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commitment.
I'm home now. I didn't stay at church. I just can't take all the bull shit anymore. I'm not going to go to church and put a big "happy" smile on my face, because that's a lie. I'M NOT HAPPY. I'm not going to go to church and act like I'm enjoying myself...I'm so tired of being fake. My husband doesn't even allow me to be who I am...I feel as though he's always trying to control everything about me...what I say...what I think...what music I listen to...Nothing I do is ever good enough and he just makes me feel like an idiot all the time. So, I suppose I've been right my whole life...I really am just a worthless piece of shit. I've felt like this since my childhood and it continues now into adulthood -- Nothing has changed. On the car ride home from church...I was driving, but I was in a daze...I kinda just stared at the road with tear-blurred vision. I wouldn't have cared if I lost control of the vehicle and died....I wouldn't care and neither would anyone else... It'd just be a gigantic lift off of Justin's life. No longer would he have to put up w/ his worst mistake: marrying me. I'm just a mistake to everyone...My husband, my family...the world. No one understands...No one tries to understand...I can't talk to people because they just say, "cheer up" or "don't talk like that." They don't really try to understand... I just wish for once that I was important to him. I just get thrown on the back burner...and whenever it's convenient then...then only am I good enough. He tried to make me feel guilty for being upset. I'm just a burden to him...He told me that I was making him choose between "me and his commitment." Well dammit...When he fucking said "I DO" I became his commitment. I guess I'm not that important anymore. FUCK! He can't even live up to the commitment of the "I DO." I just can't take this shit anymore. I need to get away for awhile... |
 <3--<3--<3--<3--<3--<3  Name: Emily <3--<3--<3--<3--<3--<3 Navigation: <3--<3--<3--<3--<3--<3 Other Journals: <3--<3--<3--<3--<3--<3 Local Links: |