I came across this...
[� emzi @ approximately 5:35 pm]
11 January 2004
I came across this as I was looking at an old diary of mine. I have changed a lot from then, I guess. But nonetheless, I found it quite interesting. Here it is as follows:
It is from 26 Feb 2003 and is entitled [just a moment while i reinvent myself]
it's been a long time.
i've lost interest in my life.
not that it was anywhere near interesting before.
everything that i felt in the past has returned.
i had a few good days.
they're gone now.
i'm depressed.
people truely do not even have a clue.
no one knows what i am about.
i constantly have lie to the world.
i have to let them see me happy.
i can't let them see me in the dead state my mind makes me feel.
i feel empty and lost.
like i have no one.
sometimes i feel that i can't even count on the one person i love.
he hates the way i feel.
he hates my attitude.
he hates my mood swings.
sometimes i believe he even hates me.
he doesn't understand.
he just wants to see me happy.
and he'll do anything to see me happy.
but for the most part i'm not.
he gives me this feeling of happiness.
but as for everything else.
fuck it.
i'm tired of hurting.
i'm tired of crying.
i'm tired of everything.
i want to get better.
but it's just not working.
i wish i understood what makes me like this.
what was it that set me off 2 1/2 years ago?
i do not know.
i should really go to a psychiatrist.
i don't want to hear the truth.
i don't want to know that my life can only be controlled by a bottle of pills.
i don't want to know that my life can only be controlled by a bottle of pills.
i don't want to know that my life can only be controlled by a bottle of pills.
...i have seen it done before.
i don't necessarily hate life.
but i do hate who i am.
i hate everything about me.
i hate the person i have turned out to be.
and i don't necessarily want to die.
but the thought of death makes everything seem so much easier.
the easy way out.
the hard way out.
either way i will still hurt.
and i will continue to hurt those people who are around me.
i'm confused.
lost.
i feel like i'm running in a circle.
my problems never get resolved.
they just incessantly filter through my body.
...i have to go.
That is all for now.
Forever Yours <3 & })i({'s
Emzi - xoxo
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