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Confused...
Mood: PISSED OFF Weather: It's um...well...melted snow that turned into ice...stuff. Sound: Hopeless :: Time and Distance well, this is another night i'd rather forget.. Hopeless :: Time and Distance I'm through with it all. I'm so sick of not being who he wants me to be. All I've ever done for him was LOVE HIM! And that's not enough. He expects me to up and change just because he does. He changes in an instant and expects me to understand why he fucking did it. Well, that's fucking fine. Maybe he should just get rid of me. Or maybe, I should just get rid of myself. Seeing as how I'm not good enough for anyone anymore. I don't want to live like this. I'd rather die. I think it's time for some more of my poetry. I am thinking about taking writing back up. Yay for me and all the horrible things I do when I think about me. Justin and I had all intention on getting married. We love each other and wanted to be together forever. But now I'm not seeing it as that anymore. He told me today that he sees us getting married sometime in the next 6 years. FUCK THAT! I know he doesn't want to marry me anymore. And this is all because I will not conform to what he wants me to be. I tried in the beginning to change for him. I TRIED! But I didn't feel that I fit in at all. I didn't feel welcome. I mean, all I got were wierd stares. I didn't matter to them. They only talked about me behind my back. I know that Justin still loves me. I'm just finding it hard to adjust to this whole church thing. I wasn't raised around it. I hardly ever went to church growing up. I mean, yeah...I went to Awanas for like ever, but that still doesn't say anything about my Christian faith. I have none. So I'm told. I am having trouble adjusting. Especially to the whole abstaining from sexual contact. I respect Justin from not wanting to have sex again until we're married because the Bible says you're spose to, but it's hard to adjust to. I mean, I will admit that I have been tempting Justin in the past few days that he's made his mind up as to where he wants to be, but I only do it to hurt him...I hurt him because he is hurting me. Maybe you all cannot understand the reason behind why I hurt Justin like that. But it somehow makes me feel better when I hurt him as well. I'm just messed up...I will at least admit to that one. Well...I've dug myself a grave that's only 45 1/2 feet deep. So with all that I have said...I am finally finished. B'bye: EMILY I love you all, so you all better love me. |
 <3--<3--<3--<3--<3--<3  Name: Emily <3--<3--<3--<3--<3--<3 Navigation: <3--<3--<3--<3--<3--<3 Other Journals: <3--<3--<3--<3--<3--<3 Local Links: |