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Today is... Mood: tired I had to open the coffee shop at 8a instead of 9a today. So I had to get to work by 7.30a instead of 8.15a...And that meant I had to get out of bed by 6.30a instead of 7.15a. It's been a long day so far... My whole day has just seemed to be lagging behind by 45 minutes. And, so far, I've encountered a lot of "insteads" in my life today. Between 8a & 9a we had a total of 3 customers. Was it really worth it to open at 8a instead of 9a? I'm not sure. All I know is that my boss' are toying w/ the idea of opening earlier, so I've got to go in at 7.30a tomorrow too. *sigh* It's gonna be another long day. Due to the last few posts I've had yall probably think that I'm completely nuts, whacko, insane, coo-coo, etc. Well, kudos to you because I'm glad I've finally found someone who agrees with me. 0_o Yay. I don't know if I even care anymore about what people think of me or how the world perceives me. Although, if I said didn't care then I'd probably be lying to you and to myself. *sigh* Am I fake? Yes, I probably am. I go to work and put on a happy face -- only because I have to not because I want to. I do it for my job, I do it for the customers and I do it for the gals that I work with. At work I act as if nothing at all is wrong. I do have fun w/ the gals at work, but inside I'm hurting like hell. Sometimes it hurts to laugh and smile. Most of the time I just act stupid so that the girls will laugh w/ me and not at me (<-- I suppose I do care just a little). Am I a scary person? I feel like I've opened up too much to some people. I don't trust very easily and I don't open up. So why now? I have walls that are 1,000 ft thick and 1,000 ft high. I let down my gaurd and now I just feel so vulnerable, wounded, and fraudulent. I feel so empty and dead right now. I wish there was a way my mind, heart -- my whole body -- could be consoled. You all tell me, "Aww. It'll be a better day tomorrow." But what you don't know is that it'll be the same old stuff and I'll feel the exact same way. You can't understand because you're not going through what I am. I know you're only trying to help and I'm not trying to be rude, but it doesn't help. I saw a quote somewhere that said, "Everytime you ask if I'm ok -- It's just a reminder that I'm not." And that's the truth. Ponder that. To those you who try to help me and console me thank you. I appreciate you kindness and being concerned. I just wish I could be a better friend -- a better everything. That is all for now. Until next time. |
 <3--<3--<3--<3--<3--<3  Name: Emily <3--<3--<3--<3--<3--<3 Navigation: <3--<3--<3--<3--<3--<3 Other Journals: <3--<3--<3--<3--<3--<3 Local Links: |