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i suck. Mood: disconnected, dead So this is how today was... I woke up this morning due to a nightmare. I woke up and felt like crying. I'm not going into details about it, but it's one of those dreams that has just kind of left me asking, "Why?" The dream did make me cry and every time I think about it I get a sick feeling. I set the alarm for 9.30 this morning...I intended on getting up, but I hit the snooze for about an hour and a half before getting out of bed. I've cried a lot today. My eyes are sore and I've got a headache. I could possibly start crying again at any moment just for old times sake, but I won't. I wore my hair down today for a change. I was nice...It's getting so long. It's almost to the middle of my back and it's been a long time since it's been this long. But you don't care about my hair do you? ...I knew it! I'm not sure what my deal is today, but I'm feeling a bit disconnected. I've caught myself starring off into space...not neccesarily looking at anything, but just kinda zoning out my surroundings. People probably thought that I was some stalker freak and that I was starring them down. X_x I am a freak. Again today I've felt extremely large. Like larger than huge. GIGANTIC -- Larger than obese (which I am)...I don't know...I can't explain it thoroughly enough for you to understand. I'm not even quite sure if I understand anymore. I've been doing a lot of thinking lately and I've decided...The more days that go by the more I realize how much I hate myself. Now -- I don't want your pity. This is just how I feel. That's just how it is. I don't like who I've become. I don't think I'm a good wife/daughter/sister/friend...just overall a no good piece of shit person. I'm not even a decent person. I should just forget about ever becoming a mother. I'd probably just screw up the kids' life. I'll be a horrid mother and a pathetic role model. Although -- on the other hand...I'm probably not even able to bare children. My obesity has most likely left me barren and besides...I'd probably smother the child even before it is born. If I did get pregnant (which would be a dream come true) the baby would most likely be born w/ a defect due to all of my abnormalities and disfuctions. Overall -- I just suck at life. I suck at being a person. I suck at everything. I'm moody, paranoid, pathetic, I cry all the time -- I don't know who I am anymore and I don't know who I want to be. I'm not even sure if I ever want to find out who I really am or what I want to do in life --that'd just set me up for some more disappointment. All I know is that I don't like who I am. I have nothing else to say. But by you reading this entry I've probably just fucked up your life. |
 <3--<3--<3--<3--<3--<3  Name: Emily <3--<3--<3--<3--<3--<3 Navigation: <3--<3--<3--<3--<3--<3 Other Journals: <3--<3--<3--<3--<3--<3 Local Links: |